I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
