She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
