I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
