I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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