So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
