i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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