By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You work out of a Hotel?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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