She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
