My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
