i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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