I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
