I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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