if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
