I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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