I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
