you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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