I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
