Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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