Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
