There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
