i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
