I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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