I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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