I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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