Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think my moral compass just broke
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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