i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
