God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
