I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
