Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
