Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
