Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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