I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
