Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
