I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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