it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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