oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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