my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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