her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
