Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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