yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
