I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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