I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
