I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize