I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
