Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
