This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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