Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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