I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
