it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish my penis had a tongue
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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