I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
