When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
