I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
