she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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