Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
